As I arrived to my Pilates class today I was relieved to see our instructor April back after being out sick the past few weeks. She had a baby about a year ago and hasn’t been teaching as much, so I’ve missed her classes. Anyway…..as I began to inquire as to what her ailment was she informed me with glee that she was pregnant again.
“Oh, I am sooooo happy for you” I began…….. but before I could even finish the sentence I could feel my eyes welling up with tears.
The truth is, I wasn’t so happy. I should have been, because I adore April, but all I could think was “one more person is having a baby and it isn’t me” 
She was none the wiser and assumed I was just so happy for her. So we hugged and I tried my best to muster up enough enthusiasm to get through class.
Of course I have always wanted a baby, but never really worried about it because I assumed that it would eventually happen naturally like the rest of the “Cinderella Fantasy” that has been pounded into our heads as little girls. Well guess what??? Here I am, I have long breached the latter half of my reproductive years and no baby? Not only that……but no “baby daddy” in sight!!!
The fact that I work at a hospital doesn’t help because all I hear is the clinical viewpoint…..”Well, you can’t really complain because you can always do invetro or insemination” or “why don’t you just go and get knocked up” or “You can always adopt”…….blah, blah, blah. Even my own Gynecologist says, “Patricia, you are a beautiful girl…..just go find a nice young man and make it happen”. Helloooooo……is he serious? Yes Dr Charles….I’ll go out to the “Nice Young Man” store tomorrow….
Is everyone missing the point? Isn’t it about the “Love”, the “Creating”, the “Sharing” and the “Unity”………
Don’t get me wrong, I give Kudos’ to all the single Mom’s out there!!! My sister has been one for a long time, and God Bless her, because I couldn’t do it. Correction….. I don’t want to do it!
And I don’t want to have a baby just to have a baby……and I don’t want to solicit a friend just to have a baby, I don’t want sperm out of a bottle and I don’t want to adopt.
I just want to fall in love and have a baby……….is that such a selfish desire???
Don’t cry for me yet……..I do still have time to make it happen.
But the realization is that Mr Right doesn’t always come along………or at least not always in time. So the difficult truth is that I may never experience the one thing I always assumed I was inherently entitled to since the day I was born…..the joy of Motherhood.
I used to think the worst thing in the world, for a woman, was to not be capable of having a baby……but to me the worst thing in “my” world is to be physically capable of having a baby, but not able to : (
My Beautiful Sister Kathleen Photographed By Me xo
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